Tuesday, March 12, 2013

A new season

It’s the beginning of a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the snow has melted, and I’m at home, waiting for my driving lesson to start in 45 minutes.

After my last debacle with a teaching opportunity that went belly up, I’ve decided to stick to my affirmations that I had time and time again – I need to quit. Granted, I want to work, but there’s so much to being a public school teacher that I just don’t have. The responsibility of leading young minds into the world and not wasting a single day of their education is essential. A teacher has to throw their whole life into the work and, frankly, I just don’t have that kind of conviction.

I have been told time and time again that I’ve just not found the right school; how I should teach younger students or older students. I’ve been told that if I stay in the same place to get my bearings, I would do so much better. But I’ve also been told that teaching is not for me. I’ve written about this before but since I was appointed a 7 day job at a Primary School to do support work, I just kept getting this icky feeling that I simply do not want to do it.

So, last night, I was washing the dishes and I thought about the past ten years of my life that I’ve wasted trying to get into the educational system when it’s never, ever worked out. Either I did an awful job or I had to leave the job due to some other circumstance. Finally, I said out loud, “Why would I want to do this anymore?”

I kept trying to convince myself that I should go because it’s a job and I’ve already turned down a (horrible) job, so I may as well try this one. People have jobs. They go out into the workforce and work. I’d like that, but I’d like a job I was good at. Not a job where I was wasting anyone’s time and embarrassing myself in the process. I know, deep down, that I’m not doing well whenever I’m in the classroom. I try, but, as I’ve said before, it’s messy. I know I won’t be able to stay at the school for long because the admin want strong teachers, and I don’t blame them one bit.

There was one shred of hope when I saw that my local libraries are taking volunteers. I have been asking about that since I moved here but they just don’t do that like they do in the States. That means whenever I apply for jobs, I have no U.K. library experience; now maybe I can.

It has made me feel much, much better though, that I know I don’t have to do this teaching thing just because that’s the only job I can get. Steve is so super supportive, and he’s even suggested I go to school to learn a new trade. Of course, I want to do online writing workshops because the only thing that makes me really content is working for myself on my own projects.

I just wish I could write a Dear Teen Me letter saying, “Don’t worry about what anyone tells you, just start writing and trying to get paid for it.” Man, that would have saved me so much time.

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