Starting nursery and back to work at the library

 

Guys, it's just been a week.

We took Jack to nursery for the first time. That was a nightmare and a half. He did fine, aside from the crying at the beginning and end of the sessions, but I cried and cried. I don't know how many other mothers right now are feeling completely overwhelmed and completely helpless to all that's going on right now. It's hard enough having to leave your child, but without any family nearby, and no ability to see friends or co-workers, we've had no one else around that baby but us.

Granted, he's had some baby classes, which I'm really thankful for, but letting someone else hold him and cuddle him made me sick to my stomach. How was that child going to handle that?

Everyone told me that this was all going to be harder on me and that babies are really resilient and they handle things like nursery quite well. But after seeing him reach out to me on our last visit, and I had to walk away from him, I don't know if they just realize that their parents doesn't care and isn't going to help them, so they have to just deal with the situation.

Like the idea of them self-soothing and crying it out when you figure the baby just gives up on anyone coming to help them. (At least, that's what I always feared.)

With all of this going on, I have to get ready to go back to work on Monday. I honestly am excited to see people again and not be on mummy duty all day, but how am I going to handle not being on mummy duty? I'm always on mummy duty!

Steve is going to split his working from home days so he has afternoons with Jack while I'm at work. This is only going to be for three days, which seems like an eternity, so we'll see how that goes.

I'm also worried about bring Covid into the house because I've been in my safe home bubble for a year. Also, Jack's developed a cold, so he's not sleeping well and feeling crappy, so this is all terribly stressful.

Now that it's the end of my maternity leave, I'm really sad that my magical year with Jack is over. It's been tougher than I ever imagined, but I've enjoyed being a stay at home mum. I've wanted to run away from the house screaming (and did during the first lockdown, if we're being honest) but I've been so grateful to have all this time with him. 

So, I'll miss him and I think that's the hardest part. I'll miss spending my day chatting with him and chasing him and wondering when I'll ever be able to sit down again. I won't know what to do with myself.

I was really convinced that I was going to write a lot and be really productive this year, but I just wasn't. I focused on the one thing that was the most important and that was raising a happy little guy.

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